If you only let me
by Timebird
Summary: Never has Nadir hated a task more than this one, when he had to deliever that special gift from the Shah to Erik.


**A big thank you goes to Rienerose, who did the correction of my English for me!**

CHAPTER 1

His face was like stone when he started to repeat the words that he had been told to say, just like his heart felt inside his chest. Erik listened to his voice – he could sense it - but the strange yellow eyes rested on someone else. They actually stared. And how could they not? The girl was beautiful. Her feminine shape was drawn perfectly soft through the layers of silk and colorful linen. And though her look was turned to the ground in fear her dark eyes – the only part of her face that was not hidden by a veil - appeared irresistible, temptingly framed by the shades of antimony. Every man would have looked with a slight rush of desire running through his veins, but Nadir knew that Erik wasn't like _every man_. He could only guess what it was like to stare at her for him right now, hearing the reason why she was here inside his house. Even through the mask Nadir could read Erik's facial expression, how his gaze hungered for her, how his thin lips and certainly also his teeth, were pressed together so that they had lost all their already pale color. And the words of the Shah, the words that were brought to life now through his own tongue – every single one of them seemed to be a drop of oil dripping into a fire of something dangerous that was burning deep inside of Erik's male nature, something that had been sleeping ever since and just awoke now. Nadir saw him licking his lips like a predator that was fixating on its prey. And yet he continued – what else could he do?

" … she is yours for the entire night, you are free to do with her whatever pleases you ..."

It hurt. It hurt beyond words to be part of this scene, to be forced to make it worse by his voice that formed the memorized sentences automatically on its own as if it didn't belong to Nadir. To that day he had never allowed himself to think of Erik as anyone but a friend. He had never been ready to admit to himself that he had begun to feel much more for him. Only now, in that very moment when he knew it didn't matter any more, that it was too late, a sudden cruelty of realization hit his mind remorselessly. How Erik looked at the girl that was his now by the will of the Shah himself was like a hard kick right to his stomach that set free a toxic mix of jealousy and despair. He knew it was inevitable, that there was absolutely nothing he could do about the things that were going to happen tonight. An unbearable restlessness fought against the formal facade he sought to keep so hard.

When he had finished his speech, silence fell upon the room that laid in half-light. Outside, behind the closed shutters, the sun was already fading and golden rays were seeking their way through the artful carved ornaments in the wooden blinds, creating sharp shadows across the interior. No one said a word, no one even moved. Nadir was suddenly afraid that the others around him could hear his heart hammering. Never had he felt so paralyzed as when he saw Erik stretching and bending his long forefinger several times in a summoning gesture directed to the slave.

"Come here, girl, don't be afraid." The sound of his silken voice, that Nadir loved so much, had changed to something guttural and deep, blurred by the thoughts the Daroga's words had let occur, but still friendly, though hardly controlled.

Nadir grit his teeth and couldn't avoid that his jaw muscle looked tense. But the girl didn't move. The only thing that changed was the silence, now broken by a quiet noise that her jewelry made, for she had started to shiver heavily at hearing Erik's demand. For a moment it seemed like time itself stopped and the air in the room grew measurably colder, when she didn't obey. Nadir swallowed, waiting, fearing her disobedience as much as her obedience within the same second. The lump in his throat didn't disappear. When Erik's voice rose again it had lost all its kindness.

"Come here!" he said again sharply, impatience infusing his tone, which made clear he wouldn't accept another refusal.

The clangor of the girl's jewelry got louder when she finally moved after a moment of inner conflict. Reaching the one who had called for her, she immediately fell to her knees in front of where he was sitting in his armchair. Not a single one of Nadir's muscles jerked; it was as if he had turned to stone where he stood, the chubby eunuch next to him. He heard Erik speak to the girl, his voice softer again now. But he didn't want to listen, knowing what the one and only reason of this conversation was and where it would lead and end. His breathing sped up. The wish to flee this situation became unbearably strong and yet he couldn't simply run away.

Without warning a cruel thought hit his mind and he was shocked by the possible truth that laid in it: Had he been fine to be only friends with Erik, because he had been sure that there would never be another lover in the man's life? Was that perhaps the reason why he had never seen the urgency of telling the great magician how he really felt for him? He sensed an unexplained aching inside his chest. Spending time with that man had been enough, yes, as long as he had been convinced that there was no need to be afraid of losing him to someone else. What a great friend he was thinking something like that, Nadir berated himself. But had he actually thought that way? Or was the idea just a protective mechanism to hide the real reason for keeping silent, which wasn't any more pleasing? Had he merely been a coward, fearing Erik's reaction, an irreparable crack in their friendship? Or was it his own inner conflict fed by society and religion, if he had confessed his love to him? In any case the events that took place now right in front of his eyes were the appropriate punishment for his inactivity. Nadir felt like he didn't deserve anything better for holding his tongue all these lost months that had passed without him doing anything. And what would have changed anyway if he had revealed his feelings? In the end, nothing. He couldn't even imagine of Erik feeling the same for him in return. This was complete nonsense, a wishful thinking that would never come true. They would stand here just like they did now. Maybe it was better like this, without Erik knowing. It would have made everything just even more complicated.

Fragments of sentences hit his ears and Nadir would have chosen turning deaf in that very moment instead of being forced to hear them, if he had had the choice.

"… I will be so gentle when you lie with me … I won't hurt you, I swear. There is nothing you have to be afraid of."

Nadir couldn't stand the sound, that sweet sound that tried to convince the frightened odalisque. He made sure the eunuch couldn't see his face, before he closed his eyes. He concentrated on his own hard heartbeat, trying to fade the inescapable environment out. It worked, but the hammering inside his chest was overlaid by cruel thoughts and graphic fantasies of Erik appreciating the Shah's gift. Nadir saw the long fingers drawing the shapes of well-formed breasts and how they disappeared between the perfect firm thighs. Allah! These vivid images haunted him and he couldn't get rid of them.

"No ..." , a word soaked so much in disbelief brought Nadir back to the here and now and he opened his eyes again, "You … you would seriously prefer to die than to lie one single night with me?"

Something in the sound of Erik's voice made Nadir's heart ache painfully. There was so much consternation, an overwhelming weight of incomprehension in it. It took only a few seconds until he understood what was the matter: The girl would do anything to avoid the task for which she had been brought here and was ready to pay any price. Nadir held his breath, fearing Erik's sudden unrestrained rage. He had never expected the girl would refuse the Shah's will. But Erik kept silent, his fingers clawed into the arm rests to his left and right. He was fighting, not only against his anger, but also against the pain the realization of reality had caused that cut a bleeding wound into his heart. Nadir could tell it only by looking at his … his friend, and seeing him like that hurt him, too. It was cruel. After all Erik had been through, he deserved at least this gift – though not given to make him happy, but to tease him, that girl could bless him with one single night of easy peace without thought in her arms, if life had nothing more to offer for him. _But it had, he had_ … despair put itself around him like a heavy cloak. Nadir swallowed and shifted the brief thought aside, without giving it the chance to grow. His friend had never betrayed himself when it came to his appearance, how people were frightened and disgusted by it, but now that someone actually would rather choose death over only a few hours with him, that was too much to bear, even for him, and a piece inside Nadir died recognizing how that fact dealt his friend an incurable wound. He could see that the fragile figure in front of Erik knelt in the most submissive way on the ground, even her forehead touched the floor. And he could hear the girl weeping. He wasn't able to detect in which way the odalisque affirmed Erik's question, but apparently she did, for the next he could hear was a growled _Get out_ by the slender man that loomed tall above her. No one reacted, the girl just continued crying at his feet, her sobs getting heavier and more desperate. It almost sounded as if they were taking her breath away completely. In a way, Nadir felt for her as well as he felt for Erik, but it was not his task to interfere.

"Get out!"

The sudden yell repeating the demand, without doubt addressed to him, made Nadir jerk. Until this moment he had been certain Erik had said it to the girl. But without warning a vase - emphasizing his command - abruptly smashed on the ground and the tall man had leaped to his feet. He screamed now, furious, in Nadir's and the eunuch's direction.

"Get out!"

It took Nadir only a second to compose himself again. He squared his shoulders and replied factually.

"You know I can't do that, Erik."

The Shah, in fact rather the Khanum, expected his report in every detail and her instructions had been very clear: he had to deliver it, no matter the cost. Erik glared at him for what seemed like an eternity, his gaze full of hatred and contempt. He actually trembled from rage. Nadir completely lost the feeling for how long they stared at each other, Erik's eyes threatening, his own firm, determined and unafraid. The magician's rage would not daunt him!

"Fine!" , Erik bristled with anger, "Then get at least rid off your shadow!"

And with a scornful wave he pointed at the eunuch. Nadir blinked in surprise. _What about the girl?_ What was going on on Erik's mind? Everything inside the Persian disliked the development of this scene for some reason he couldn't have named, but did what his friend demanded. With his head he made a gesture, signaling the eunuch to leave the room.

"Wait outside!"

He could see the disappointment appearing in the moon face, but the man obeyed of necessity. Nadir watched him move and stared at the door until it had been closed totally behind him, and even several seconds longer, fearing to turn back to Erik and the girl. But eventually he had to. His eyes met Erik's tall figure. He still stood there, his eyes staring back at the Daroga contemptuously. But Nadir recognized an expression of shame behind this facade, too. He was not absolutely sure of that, but they knew each other well by now and he had at least learned that Erik wasn't always so arrogant and risen above all human emotions as he liked to make others believe. There was so much Nadir longed to say and yet he kept silent. Of course he did. There was nothing to say, not now, not ever. It almost seemed as if Erik was hesitating for some reason while he stared into the emerald eyes, yet at some point he decided to ignore the Daroga's presence and blocked him out. And Nadir could do nothing more than watch.

Erik got down to the floor, right next to the girl, but taking care that there was a little distance left between them and that he didn't touch her in any way. He started to whisper while looking at her crouched figure, trying to avoid that the unwelcome guest would hear his words, but it was as if Nadir's sense of hearing had sharpened against his will, so he could understand everything Erik's silken voice created and hated it with every single cell of his body.

"Listen, girl ..." , Erik still hesitated and Nadir wondered for he had never seen him as insecure as this before, "… Would you give me this one night, only this night, nothing more …"

The odalisque already shook her head heavily and though his friend's face was almost fully covered by the mask, Nadir could still recognize how distorted by pain it was, but still Erik kept speaking to her, insistently, imploringly – never had Nadir experienced an Erik so submissive.

"Wait ..." , the bony hand with the unnaturally long fingers made a gesture that begged her to listen, "Hear my offer, before you decide …"

What happened here? Was the dreaded Angel of Doom actually trying to negotiate with a slave girl? If he wanted he could just take her. But instead of that he asked her permission, not willing to do anything against her will. If the situation had been another Nadir would have smiled lovingly at Erik's behaviour. Behind the facade of cruelty and indifference laid a good heart, only visible for those who dared to take a closer look at him.

She actually stopped shaking her head, as Erik tried patiently to calm her down. Only then he came back to what he had first intended when he had chosen to offer her a deal.

"Only this night," he repeated. "Nothing else, I swear. I won't touch you. All you have to do is lay next to me for some short hours. Just ..." he glanced over to Nadir, still painfully aware of his presence, ashamed that the Shah's servant would hear it all, "let me sleep close to you. No one has to know and you could keep your life."

Nadir swallowed, never had he seen Erik so desperately imploring for anything. The pathetic request made him pity his friend. I would lay next to you every night, he thought, if you would only let me. He hadn't even realized that he had stopped breathing while he waited for the girl's reaction. It seemed like Allah had chosen to freeze the moment, because no one moved, not even a muscle, for a long painful moment. Nadir's eyes stared at the scene that laid in front of him, while Erik's fastened on the girl and she …? She just looked to the floor as if the Persian carpet beneath her body could take the decision from her.

The light in the room appeared unnaturally bright and golden to Nadir in hard contrast to the dark shadows that conquered more and more of the environment. The rushing of his own blood was exaggeratedly loud in his ears. The smell of spices, probably from a former meal, still filled the air and burnt unpleasantly sharp inside the Daroga's nose. He swallowed and sensed that his throat had turned completely dry. Eventually - after seconds or hours, Nadir seriously hadn't been able to tell - a by now familiar sound mixed into the noise inside his acoustic organs: The clangor of the girl's jewelry again as she shook her head once more in denial, slowly, lightly, almost not noticeably, but Nadir did and so did Erik. All his patience and empathy for the odalisque were gone in the twinkling of an eye. Erik rose and towered threateningly over her crouched figure.

"Fine!" , he spit the word out as if it was something disgusting, "So be it! Get out!"

His masked face turned to the Shah's reporter, his eyes dark and frightening, his voice only a deep, evil growl.

"Get her out of my sight!"

To his own surprise Nadir found himself making an inkling of a formal bow, before he headed for the slave. He grabbed her arm, not harshly, but hard enough to help her get back on her feet quickly. For a brief moment his eyes met Erik's; there was only rage left. Rage that hid and numbed the pain of what just had taken place. Though his friend did his best to deceive him, maybe even to deceive himself, Nadir could read the truth in the burning amber spots that blazed so deep in the black eye holes behind the mask. But their look at each other lasted only seconds, before the Daroga led the girl to the door. He opened it and shoved her through, giving unmistakable commands to the eunuch. He should bring her back to the harem, and the Khanum or the Shah himself should decide what should happen with her. Nadir waited, still holding the opened door, watching them leave, until he was certain they actually had departed. Then – as if it was self-evident – he took care the lock closed carefully again. He stared at the wood in front of him. He hadn't left the room. Before he could think about his motive, Erik's malicious voice hit his ear again.

"I apologize, maybe I didn't express myself clearly enough ..." , his tone oozed with sarcasm, "I wanted you to back off, too!"

It was the most dangerous state someone could face Erik in, when his voice appeared calm and yet betrayed that its owner was already beyond any sense of good and evil. The sound itself held a threat, something that reminded one of a cat playing with a mouse, it was that alarming. Nadir had seen grown men start to shiver with fear by hearing its tone, and though he himself was none of these men, he was wise enough to know that Erik was needed to be handled with care when his mood was low enough to have this influence on his voice. He had turned to meet Erik's glance, but that was all. In no way he planned to leave the room. The tall man came closer, slowly, like a predator. But Nadir stood straight and surprisingly calm, returning Erik's look without any sign of fear.

At some point Erik seemed to recognize that his threat had no effect on the Persian and he changed his strategy to scorn.

"So, what, eh? Have you still not seen enough of me being pathetic and ashamed? Do you have to stay to watch how I suffer after the events of this evening? How I lick my wounds which a slave girl caused by actually choosing her death over one single night laying not _with_ , but only _next_ to me? Did you get some sort of perverse thrill out of it, while you stood there seeing how I embarrassed myself?"

There were so many words on the tip of Nadir's tongue, words that wanted to get out so badly, that wanted to explain everything, why he didn't leave, why he wanted to be close to Erik. And yet he kept silent, knowing that in this mood his friend had now every single attempt at explanation would be wasted breath. So he said nothing, he just let Erik spill his anger - a disguise for his shame and pain - over him.

"I bet you expected that she would refuse me, didn't you? Oh, you cruel, silly man, you so-called friend!"

Without a warning Erik suddenly grabbed his upper arms so hard that it actually hurt and yet Nadir didn't even jerk once. His eyes just looked at him in surprise.

"Did you wait for her to refuse me? Tell me! Did you expect that she would refuse me?"

There was a fire burning in Erik's eyes and Nadir's own gaze twitched.

"Tell me!" He actually shook him once.

And without even choosing the words he was going to say, the Daroga answered:

"I hoped she would."


End file.
